That's poker!

Some wicked stuff has been happening the last week. I always found myself writing down a story of how I either lost or won alot. But by the time I was finished writing I had to change everything because more insane shit just happenend. I know now that those times are over. The money is gone.
It started with a first and second place at MTT's , which gave me about 250$ extra. Typical upswing combined with a few dickheads who called my huge raises like they were buying a lottery ticket also gave me decent winnings at the cashgames. I had reached a new peek and couldn't resist the everlasting temptation of playing on the edge. A 60$ MTT, a 10$ rebuy MTT and a couple of 50$ SNG's were the answer to my strange risk-addiction. The MTT's were a waste of time. Everyone hates going out right before the bubble. The SNG's were just plain stupid and aren't discussable.
Exams are over, so I will be doing a bit more livegames again. Yesterday I played with some good pokerplayers from my hometown and when Teh_nutz left I was breakeven. I still need to learn when to quit. I always end up losing when I start thinking about leaving as well. The bill I had to pay when I left was huge, so my drinking needs some fine-tuning too.

A last word about the 50$ SNG's: Fuck you fucking fucked fuck!

Silly drunk bets with teh_nutz and nuts

In the last week there hasn't been much live action. This is all because schools somehow have the idea they can question my intelligence. They have been doing that for several years now and it pisses me off. Once or twice a week you gotta blow of some steam and what do we do then? Right! We go out, get wasted and act like little boys who just found out their penis isn't only there for peeing.
One of my pokerplaying friends, teh_nutz, was there as well and pretty soon we both had some difficulties with speaking properly. While having a laugh with eachother the bartender made a huge mistake by putting a big cup of salted nuts in front of us. About a minute later we made a bet for 10€ that teh_nutz couldn't eat the cup of salted nuts in 2 minutes without spilling one single nut. He didn't spill a nut, but only got halfway. Pretty easy money and some memorable looks from the other visitors.
Now you're sitting there with a half cup of nuts and two drunk guys who just made a stupid bet. What happens next? Right! Another stupid bet. Teh_nutz wanted to earn his money back and challenged me to throw up a nut and catch it with your mouth. One on one, points are earned when you can catch it and the other doesn't. First one to reach 3 points wins and earns 5€. This bet took pretty long, but I took it down after a thrilling final series of throwing.

Great night, but what a hangover. Must have been those damn nuts. I don't like nuts.

Latenight quicky

Last night, at 1.30 AM, I sat down at a 6 handed 50NL table to test the waters and hopefully scoop a few bucks from some drunk retard. Because I had to get up early for my exams , I was only going to play 30 minutes.
After 20 minutes of play I was allready up 20$ and wanted to leave the table. Too bad that cheap-asses like myself only quit the hand before they have to post a blind. The last hand I was dealt were four tits! Those cards were worth a 3$ bet and the imbecile in the big blind simply called. Flop came 8 7 3 rainbow. This made my newest hero move all-in after I raised his 8$ opening bet. Hopefully nobody doubts if I called or not. The airhead showed a pathetic A7 and he caught another 7 on the turn. My queens didn't improve and the jilted son of a whore immediately left the table, leaving me behind with only 25$. The worst of all is that he didn't even leave me the chance to laugh and insult him.

In all the commotion I forgot to sit out and was allready dealt K3 offsuit in the big blind. Everyone limped in and I couldn't resist to annoy those pussy's with a 1.5$ raise. Two callers and a 4 5 6 flop with two spades gave me an open end straight draw. While calling a 2$ bet with my draw, the non-spade deuce on the turn put me in a bliss. The best card that could come out and what an opportunity to make me forget about the A7 suckout! After a few reraises all my money was in the middle again and I felt satisfied. The river was a useless jack and I was shocked when I noticed the money moving towards my opponent. After waking up from a trance and noticing his cards I caught myself typing 'well pla..'.

What the fuck?! What's so well played about that? Even the hair on my ass can flop a straight with 7 8 offsuit. Just a matter of luck. So I quickly removed the text, told him luck is for the ugly people.

Kick those bullies in the groin

Everyone who played a bit of poker must have encountered these players. Bigstack morrons who start pushing you around and raise you, knowing it's too risky for you to call. These idiots are probably some overweighted, glasswearing, anti-socials with no life, locked up in their room, worshipping Jamie Gold as the übernerd. No matter what, they always bet/raise/reraise you and as the blinds go up, your chances are running slim. So you wait for the right hand, flop two pair and grab the clancy by the balls. You start smashing the table like you were smashing his face until you suddenly notice a messagebox on your screen. You look up, and there's a brief silence... Next thing you know you're slamming your screen, cursing and yelling until the neighbours start complaining. The fucking idiot hit a runner-runner straight.

On those moments I always wished it was a live game, so I could insult the fucker good. Spoil his joy for the rest of the night and hopefully make his intrest in poker go away forever. If he dares to say 'thanks' or 'well played' or any other bullshit crap, I'ld punch his teeth out, break his glasses and kick him in the groin. Fuck the sucker!

To be honest, I don't think this will ever happen at a live game.
Not because I'm polite or anything, just because the nerds' shyness would prevent them from playing like a bully. If it wouldn't, my brutal insults will make sure they politely fold their cards.

Introduction

I have been getting pissed off at idiots for a year now and I'm still enjoying it. However my bankroll isn't and that is why I created this blog. This is all a part of my genius plan to get some rich nitwit to like this blog so freakin much, that he'll eventually pay me to play and write about it. I realise not everyone is granted with the divine intelligence to come up with such a plan. That's why I share my ideas and give everyone the opportunity to follow me in my footsteps. Hopefully one of them succeeds at creating a nice, readable blog and then feels obligated to compensate me for the idea. In a shitload of $$$ that is.
In case you didn't figure it out by now, I play lowstakes poker because I'm a bum.
I do not play by the standard rules. Those are for losers and crybabies. Bankrollmanagement is for people who don't like to walk on thin ice. And let that, with added weight, be one of my favorite wintersports.

Anyway, I hope this gives you the main idea of what I'm about. If not, stop reading and come to my table you dumb fuck.